newyorknewyorknewyork

Just came back from new york. I had a blast! It was such a great experience to have. I had so much fun shopping and running around with daniel (because that's what i always do). It was soo great to save money on so much crap :) I finally bought some nice sunglasses and my michael kors watch!! :D Although it all still costed a lot, i still saved a little.

Day 1 was awful! The bus ride there took almost 9 hours, my ass was hurting from sitting for so long. All we did was sit, sit, sit, eat, eat, pee, pee, line-up, pee, eat, and sit. I actually gained some weight from all that junk and sitting all day. From there we finally arrive to our first outlet mall. It sucked because there wasn't many good stores. I bought a couple of coach items for my mom and sisters and some stuff for my dad. Daniel bought a burberry scarf there for like 120 ish. That's amazing for a burberry scarf! I wanted to buy this ONE scarf. But of course it costed like $600. Fuck that. Afterwards we bought some pizza to eat on the bus and headed to the hotel.

Day 2 was much better. Everything was only about an hour away so i didn't have to sit for long. We first headed to woodbury outlet, which is a HUGEEEEE outlet mall. I bought my marc jacobs sunglasses and my michael kors watch there. I also bought a pair of rock&republic jeans, a oversized tee + shorts from american apparel. It was great! I loved it. From there we headed to Manhattan, which i cannot even describe because... it's just BIG and BUSY. It's like yonge&dundas x10000, unbelievable. I was actually tired of shopping because stores were all like 3 storey high. We went to macy, h&m, forever21, foot locker, zaks, etc. It was crazy. What amazed me the most was Toys'r'us. It was the best one i've ever seen in my life. It didn't seem like a store but rather a huge amusement park. It was beautiful. There we bought haagen-dazs ice cream. A regular scoop for about $6. Sooo expensive but sooo delicious. It was totally worth it! As we make our way around downtown, we were starvinggggg. But i didn't want to buy a hotdog from one of the stands, nor get a burger from mcd's, nor get a slice of pizza.. so as we starved and walked i finally gave in and walked into a restaurant. It's called "Bubba Gump Shrimp Co" I didn't know what it was, all i knew was i was hungry!! Later on we realized that this restaurant was connected to Forrest Gump (yes tina) and in order to get our food we had to answer questions about the movie (i was going to call tina!!) We didn't know ANYTHING, but our waitress tried to give us clues. I had the most amazing burger ever. And daniel had the best shrimp stuff ever! It was sooo delicious. Definitely going to miss that place. (Tina, i have so much to tell you about this place!!)

Day 3 was alright. I spent most of my time shopping for others, trying to spend all the money i had left. Nothing special.

But now i'm home, and i'll never forget this amazing time i had! Thanks daniel for this wondrous trip! :D Love you.

there's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York

These streets will make you feel brand new
Big lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York

WOOOT WOOOT! NEW YORK CITAY TOMORROW!
Soooo exited! I've never been to the states and i am super duper excited for all the shopping :)
Gonna buy some nice sunglasses and a nice watch :D But most of all i am super excited for the experience i'm going to have with my boyfriend :) We can finally do something different compared to all those "dinner and movie" dates.

Anyways, so when the last fight happened (lying one), he got really defensive about many things. So here it goes.. a happy post for once:

I'm sorry i always take you for granted.. you're right, i always say things or write things to piss you off on purpose. I'm sorry i always shut you down when you just want to have fun with me. I'm sorry i always yell at you and call you degrading names. I'm sorry for never appreciating all the things you do for me. I'm sorry i make you feel like the world revolves around me. I'm sorry for always making you seem like the bad guy. I'm sorry for always being the boring person. I'm sorry i'm not adventurous. I'm so so so sorry. You're a great person, sometimes even too nice .. But you're great, always putting others before yourself, always helping out with everything. I think even my family has fallen in love with you.. Well first off, i can't believe they're actually letting me go to new york, knowing that you're going to be there.. Second off, when we fight or argue, my sisters are always on your side. "Why are you so mean to him!?" "Why are you making him sad?" hahaha. Oh gosh, they're so funny. Anyways i love you and thank you so much for everything. Thank you for keeping up with my wants. Thank you for appreciating me. Thank you for be patient with me. And just thank you for loving me still after all the shit i've put you through. You said "90% of the time you're a brat that thinks the world revolves only around you which pisses me off and makes me hate you but the 10% makes it worth it. Knowing that 10% of you is a different person keeps me going.." Which really hurt, because i wouldn't care if the world thought of me like that, but YOU? You, out of all people... But it's okay, i still love you :)

Anyways, NEW YORK TOMORROW!! See ya, toronto! :)

i hate liars, seriously.

i hate liars, absolutely HATE liars.
i hate lying to people i love
i hate lying
i hate being lied to
and i hate liars

Remember when i said "I bitch only because i have given up something or went out of my way just to do something for you or see you but when it doesn't work out, i bitch." Today was an example. I walked for half an hour just to see you for 5 minutes.. not only did i waste half an hour of walking (after an 8 hour shift), my time, and a bus fare, but i had to find out that you lied to me. My phone was dying and i was busting my ass trying to call you to tell you i'm coming before you left, but every time you would just pick up and say "I'm working" and hung up. So i dealt with it, thinking it must have been busy at the store. That is until i arrived and sat down, thinking "it's not even busy...". Then i see one of your co-workers leaving so i catch them and asked "Excuse me, but is daniel still downstairs..?"
"Daniel Chu? Oh yeah.."
"Oh okay.."
"Oh wait!! No! He left, he's driving someone home.."
"Oh, okay.. thanks!"
"Are you his girlfriend?"
"Yes.."
"Oh!! He talks about you all the time! He says you're very nice!"
"Oh, why thank you! Anyways i gotta go find him. Thanks!"

Then i call you a couple of times .. trying to find you and i finally get a hold of you.

"WHERE ARE YOU!?!?"
"I just got off work, i'm heading to the parking lot."
"Oh really? Cause someone just told me you were driving someone home...."

I hate liars, i really do.
I feel stupid for loving you so much
stupid for believing you
stupid for trusting you
stupid for walking all the way there
stupid for sitting inside mcdonalds
stupid for not just heading home right after work
stupid for trying to call you

i should've listened to my mom when she told me "don't ever love someone too much, you can't trust anyone nowadays" It's true. I used to think it was because she had a bad relationship with my dad, i use to tell myself "I will never let my relationship turn out like theirs" But now look.. lies lies lies

nothing will ever make me happy

argdsgjndskf i'm just so angry!
angry and frustrated!!
over and over again this always happens - i hate you!

that's alright because i love the way you lie

it's funny how two complete strangers can click right away.
it amazes me how friendships can begin, and how everyone is just so friendly nowadays.

today i went out to dinner with my mom, sisters and my aunt. as we were munching, a white man walked in and an asian man was standing beside a table.. i don't really know exactly what was going on but i guess the restaurant was really busy and they were just all confused about who's table that was and so the white man said "what the heck?! let's just share!" and so they shared a table. I thought it would be awkward, i mean imagine yourself and a COMPLETE stranger eating at one table... how awkward... anyways i was listening to their conversation and found it amazing how quickly they became friends. In fact the asian man helped the white man order since the restaurant was a little bit complicated.. But they talked about their backgrounds, their jobs, etc. It was quite fascinating and it was just soo hard for me to ignore the fact that they clicked so easily.

Anyways, back to my boring workaholic life... On Wednesday, July 7 i had a day off and daniel was working and so i decided that i would call out some girlfriends to hang out. Sadly tina couldn't come out, but at least i saw stephanie! We had such an amazing day, i couldn't recall the last time i had a chilling day with just a girlfriend. It was fun, we stopped at boutiques and then headed to Orfus Rd, yorkdale, value village, honest eds, and much more ! It was great! What a day, "Sometimes... i feel horny" LMFAO oh stephanie...

But i've been working a lot lately, i'm basically full time. 40 hours a week. It's crazyy!!! But whatever.

i just really hope you think of me

omg, finally a day off!
I've been working at least 40 hours every week and let me tell you - IT IS EXHAUSTING. 9:30-6 almost everyday, wake up at 8, change, brush my teeth, wash my face, apply my make up, grab my water bottle, grab a bite, run for the streetcar, vacuum the store, sell for my life, etc. You get the point. It's hard work, i'm exhausted. I'm definitely not getting enough sleep, but whatever. At least i'll be rich this summer :) "I got money to blow" I'm just so excited to relax and sleep in tomorrow. Lately i've been hanging out with my coworkers after my shift and we'd go eat or go to someone's house and chat. It's been pretty fun actually, i mean nothing big but it's fun to be able to "chill" again. Anyways.. gotta to go relax now :)

Just a bump on the road

"When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were thing like astronaut, president, or in my case… princess.

When we were ten, they asked again and we answered - rock star, cowboy, or in my case, gold medalist. But now that we've grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how 'bout this: who the hell knows?!

This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions, its time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere chill. Fall in love - a lot. Major in philosophy 'cause there's no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind. Then change it again, because nothing is permanent.

So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be… we won't have to guess. We'll know."

That was the valedictorian speech from Eclipse. It was amazing.. sitting there at Scotiabank Theatre made me feel like it was commencement, that it really is done. I totally agree with her about the mistakes part. It's true, I shouldn't be sitting here trying to figure out who i am, who i want to be, who i want to be with. I should be here having fun, laughing my head off, doing everything i want to do, partying my ass off! But then again, i'm not doing that.

Point is, it's time to make mistakes. I'm eighteen for god sakes. I'm not thirty, why am i trying to change myself for? (that probably explains the one white hair i have in my hair). After watching eclipse, daniel took me home. Throughout the car ride i found myself starring at him, at his eyes, and admiring the colour of it. The way it glows. Then i found myself resting my head on his shoulders and how perfectly my head sits on his shoulders, and the warmth i felt coming from it. I think i can say i sort of fell in love all over again.

He may not be perfect, but he's probably the closest thing.

I just wanted to say, I'm sorry for all those times i doubted you, doubted us, doubted everything. I'm sorry. Guess it really was just a bump on the road. But guess what? We got over it.

I love you.


P.S - Eclipse was amazing! GO WATCH IT.

zero

Stupid OSAP! They're giving me $0, absolutely NOTHING.
This is so unfair, so so unfair.
I don't make that much money (do i?), I don't even have that in my bank account. Gosh, they just assume the fact that i make $15 grand a year, i can pay for school.
WELL, I CAN'T!
If you know me, you know i can't. I have nothing close to $15 grand in my bank account.. I don't know how they expect me to pay for school. I need to call them and ask them to reconsider it.
First off, i think i made a couple mistakes because of misunderstandings
Second off, i didn't divide up the amount i had from RESP but instead i wrote the total amount i had
Third off, I AM NOT SETTLING FOR NOTHING.

they got nothing on you

I was suppose to work 10:30 - 6:30 today, but my shift got cancelled. In fact, everyone's shifts got cancelled. The Eaton Centre is under a lockdown and no one is there. I thought it was quite funny, until i realized that this is serious. Protestors are actually breaking things and ruining everything, it's quite scary. There are many times where i think this is the end of my life... that anytime now, a bomb is just going to blow up and ruin everything. But nope.. i'm still here.

So, let's talk about prom.
It was AMAZING. It probably wasn't that great, but because i wasn't expecting ANYTHING what so ever, it turned out to be one of the best days of my life. In the morning, daniel and i went to school to get our final marks. It was frustrating running up and down the stairs chasing teachers for our marks. What angered me the most was Mr. Probst. For my summative, he wrote 11/15 and 82%. Clearly that's not the same, so i approached him about it and he said fine .. and changed it to 12.5/15 but he never wrote it in his "mark book". At the end of the day, Tina approached him about her mark and he changed both our marks. He entered it in his book but wrote only 12 for me. Tina said "Sir, you gave Rosanna 12.5" and he said "Well, i'll just give her a 12 for now and if she has a problem with it she can come talk to me about it." And so i did! But he said ".5 of a mark is not going to make a difference, blah, blah, blah." Whatever. The point is.. I'M ANGRY - even if it doesn't make a difference, i'll feel better if he'd just enter the mark he originally given me.

After all the marks, daniel and i went to eat lunch at Saigon Palace. Then we headed to Eaton Centre to get my make-up done. I was very happy with the final results as it was exactly what i wanted. :) Then we headed to Blo on King St to get my hair done (i have a gift card). A gay guy did my hair and he was very funny. I showed him pictures of how i wanted my hair but he said "No.. that's going to die down during the night, how about ..." In the end, he did whatever he wanted with my hair. It took about 10 minutes for him to do my hair and costed about $60. It was definitely not worth it, plus i didn't really like it. But whatever. The earthquake also occurred during my hair, but i didn't feel it. As i was paying, people were evacuating. I remember saying "Should i take the debit machine with me?" and the receptionist said "No, just finish it quickly."

Everything was quite boring before prom.. i remember thinking "arg, this is going to be one of those nights." By that, i meant.. me fake smiling for pictures, me not having fun, me afraid to dance, me afraid to talk to people, me afraid of what people will say about me, me afraid of people making fun of me, just one of those...

And it was! I was picked to be the leader of our table, which i was quite excited for but then those thoughts hit me again and i just wanted to sit down. I was definitely not having fun. When everyone started dancing, i went and sat back down. Many times i thought to myself "i REALLY want to dance, if i don't do it now.. i'll never be able to do it." And so i just got up and pulled daniel to the dance floor, after that i just didn't want to sit back down. We literally danced the night away (with the exception of washroom breaks and drinks). It was sooo hot, people were sweating and it was gross! But i had soo much fun!

The limo ride back was also one of my favourite moments. Singing out loud and not caring about anything was great. Daniel made a video which i keep replaying to remind myself of how happy i CAN be. After reaching Oliver's house, people left to go to the frat house. I didn't want to go as i didn't want to waste money nor did i think it would be any fun. So we just sat and talked to Oliver. Sooner or later they were all back. Everyone complained about wasting their money, etc. So i was glad that i didn't go.

The next day, we decided to chip in to buy food and hold a bbq. That was also fun! It reminded me of the old times, where i pictured us as one huge family. It was sooo fun! I would do it alll over again if i was given a second chance.

I'm going to miss you all.

is it really worth it?

So, someone anonymously commented on my last post, telling me he doesn't deserve me and that i should grow up.

I agree. I really don't deserve someone like him. I really don't. He has done nothing wrong to me, it's just me and my high expectations. Always pushing for something else once my wants have been met. I've mentioned many times how much i don't want to be in this relationship, not only to this "blog" but to him as well. The reason why i don't want to be the one who walks out is because i don't want to think back in a couple years and regret letting go of something so good. Nor do i want to stay and be unhappy with what i'm in at the moment. I want things to change, i want to change, but at the same time i don't want to take risks - so what? What do i do? I've been contemplating over this too many times that sometimes i just want to do it. But there's always this voice that says "Don't". So who do i listen to? What do i look at? The present or the future? I don't want to fuck up, i really hope you understand. If this is going to end, i want to end off with a good note. I want the both of us to agree that we're unhappy and to let go. I don't want neither one of us to be like "it's over".

The problem is, he doesn't think there is a problem, he thinks this is perfectly fine and that everything is okay. But is it really? I don't know if he's happy or not but i do know that i'm not. I admit, there are moments when i'm happy. But on top of that there are many more moments where i'm frustrated and crying. And so i ask myself, are those "once in a while" happy moments really worth all the unhappiness i have to go through? Are all these excuses i keep telling myself really going to happen? Like "don't worry, things will change" or "don't worry, he knows now". Time after time, i've been disappointed. But maybe next time it'll be different..

It's easy for you to say "grow up and just leave, your life is not over". Easy to say, but the hardest thing to do. I've fell in love with this person, deeply in love. There are too many good times, too many memories and just too much for me to just throw away. It's not easy. Not easy at all to look at someone who you've become so close to, who you've become family with and just say bye. I'm not leaving just one person, i'm leaving everything, everything we've created, everything we've done together, everyone that's a part of him, his mom, his dad, his sisters, his aunt, his cousin, and let me tell you, i love them just as much. And so, i ask myself, again - is it really worth it? Is it really worth leaving all these people i love just so me, myself and I can be happy? Will i even be happy? Is this really the solution to all my problems? Is it really worth it?

P.S - The breakup on facebook was a joke, although we're going through all of this, we're still trying to hold it up. I only turn to the blog to rant when i can't seem to find anyone else to talk to. By the way, Karate Kid is an AMAZING movie and i recommend everyone to watch it! :)

what's the point in having it all?

what's the point in having it all without the one you love?

I hate you, at times i can really hate you. Almost to a point where i can just get up and say "it's over". But i know, i'll regret it. Being in this relationship makes me unhappy.. knowing that someone loves me but yet i'm still unsatisfied. Why? Why am i unhappy? Why am i unhappy even though i have it all? Why am i unhappy? WHY! WHY! WHY! I'm so frustrated.

You just don't get it, you really don't. I love you because you're that nice, caring guy. But at the same time i hate you because of that. I really don't know what i want..

Why can't Mr. Right show up already?

don't let the bed bugs bite

Yeah right? IT IS DISGUSTING! and it itches like a bitch! Gosh, i'm so embarrassed, even customers at TNA are asking what's wrong.. I feel so dirty. Anyways thought i'd show the world.
Prom is coming up! I'm so excited! (not) but i am excited for my last exam tomorrow! WOOT WOOT!

it doesn't mean anything

i'll miss you.
miss those who made me
miss those who ruined me
miss those who didn't really matter
miss those who mattered
miss those who caused me to cry
miss those who made me laugh till i cried
miss them, the ones i suppose i can call friends

i'm officially missing you
but it really doesn't mean anything

the end, seriously

it's really the end.
two more exams and i'm officially done.

anyways, ryerson has given back my offer for business management and i've accepted! i'm actually sooo happy and relieved! i think this was a good choice, screw you people who are going to doubt me; watch me become rich and famous. it's funny because when skimming through the autographs of my yearbook i caught a couple people saying "don't forget me when you're rich and famous", maybe i will be.. one day.

btw, I GOT A SAC MERIT AWARD! woot woot! and so did daniel! i'm so proud of him! :) anyways that's all the positive stuff going on in my life.

my life is slowly catching up with me, slowly coming along.. i'm quite proud of myself, proud that i did it.

the end

hate is a very strong word

I hate you
I hate you for never learning from your mistakes
I hate you for being so immature
I hate you for being such an idiot
I hate you for always forgetting everything
I hate you because you don't remember your streets
I hate you because you're lame
I hate you because you know i love you
I hate you because you don't care
I hate you for not noticing these little things
i hate you because you don't know how to be sweet
I hate you because you lie, over and over again
I hate you because i know you don't try
I hate you because you're annoying
I hate you because you're stupid
I hate you because you never treat me like a girlfriend
I hate you because no matter how hard i try, you just never get it
I hate you because even if i give in and try to be a nice girlfriend you just don't see it
I hate you because you're not as perfect as i want you to be
I hate you for being so important to me
I hate you for never understanding what i want
I hate you because our kisses are never the best
I hate you because i don't feel that warmth from your hugs anymore
I hate you because you make me cry more than i smile
I hate you for changing me
I hate you for telling me you love me
I hate you for always trying to hold in your emotions
I hate you for never telling me anything
I hate you because your plans never run through
I hate you because you can't surprise me
I hate you because you're not my boyfriend
I hate you because you're not the perfect one
I hate you because you don't remember anything between us
I hate you

do you remember?

I know, it's stupid to pull a bitch fit over something so small.
But i literally brought it up just for fun.. and you honestly did not remember. You don't even remember what you had promised me last night. How are you going to remember the vows you're going to promise in the future? Or is that all not going to mean anything as well? And don't say that's different. I told you, i hate making promises because promises are meant to be broken, but this one hasn't been broken yet and you've already forgot what it was. You know what? It doesn't even matter because sooner or later it's going to be broken. And you WILL leave me.

That's all i gotta say. Promise broken. Done.

always 1 minute too late

Always. Always. She does this to me EVERYTIME.

"No you can't"
"Okay, fine.."

But i can't fix it, i can't fix the no you said in the first place. You always change your mind 1 minute too late, sometimes i hate myself for listening to you, always fucking up my life because you can't seem to make up your mind. I really hate myself, hate myself for letting you get to me, hate myself for always letting you control my life. I hate it. HATE HATE HATE. I really hate everything right now. I just want to be calm and care-free, why am i so stressed?

Always.

you ask me if i'm ready

I'm tired, so so so tired. I won't even lie.

Although summatives are all done, i feel as if my life is not settled. WHERE THE FUCK AM I GOING NEXT YEAR? I'm so tired, tired of trying to figure everything out, tired of having to call 50 billion numbers, tired of checking ouac and seeing the same fucking shit! I'M SO TIRED! Does anyone fucking get it? Tired of arguing with my mom, tired of trying to explain to her, tired of her changing her mind. I regret it all, i regret accepting ryerson's offer, i regret rejecting ryerson afterwards. Sometimes i think, if i just stuck to ryerson, i wouldn't be in this huge mess i created. Now? I'M STUCK. STUCK AND NO BODY FUCKING UNDERSTANDS THE PRESSURE I'M UNDER. "The worst thing that can happen is that you'll have no where to go next year." WORST? THAT'S THE WORST THING THAT CAN EVER HAPPEN. I worked so hard, i made sure my last year was the year i put all my effort into, the year i was going to be known as the girl that was into everything, the year that was going to change my life, now you're telling me i did all that for no fucking reason? I'm so tired of trying to make this work, i'm so tired of trying to please everyone, i'm so tired. Doesn't anyone get it? Where is my life going? What am i doing to my life? I have been skipping almost every class because i just can't sit there anymore, sit there and wonder where i'm going next year, sit there while everyone is excited to finish their year while i'm scared it's going to finish without me. I can't think anymore, people can talk shit about me, people can gossip, people can call me names, people can judge me but all that doesn't matter to me. Yes, it hurts. Hurts to hear people call me fat knowing that i'm self-concious, I know it's a joke but is it really necessary? It's like calling someone disabled, a handicap. Like really? But honestly whatever, it doesn't mater at all right now. I just want to have a future doesn't anyone get it? I just want to leave all these horrible people that i've met in high school who have possibly ruined my life, my personality, my actions, my words, the old me. The one who used to be social, the one who use to plan all these get togethers, the one who used to be the happy girl who everyone wanted to hang out with, the one who people use to care about, what happened?

Now i'm scared, scared to tell someone something, scared to express myself, scared to be hurt again, scared to be left again, scared to lose something. Because of you, because of you i have now turned into this person, because of you i'm scared to ever have a best friend, because of you i'm scared to tell the truth, because of you i'm scared to walk confidently, because of you.

I'm so tired. So so tired, someone please take me somewhere else, i can't handle this place called earth. Can't simply handle people with such black hearts. Simply can't.

i'll never be the same, if we meet again

Right now, as i speak, i am going no where.
I've rejected all my offers (which UofT told me to do in order for me to accept theirs).
I really hope they don't screw up my life, or else i'll have no where to go! NO WHERE! :( I was talking to Margaret in calculus and she's going to the management program at UTSC as well, but she said that i have to make sure i maintain a 3.0 gpa in order to apply to their second year management program. If i don't, then i guess i fail in life. How great.

that's how strong my love is

Yes, i've decided. I'm going to UofT. Yes, YES! YES!!

My dad is going to pay for my residence and my mom is paying for tuition. I'm going to pay for books, food, and my personal needs. Although, i was still contemplating about which one to go, i realized that when i said "I'm going to try to call UofT on Monday and ask if i could accept their offer" I was a little more relieved and satisfied. I think if i go to Ryerson, i'll always have this feeling of regret (like i do now). Now, let's really hope they will still accept me? Even if they don't, i can at least say "I tried".

Let's hope a second chance will be given. I really need it.

tongue-tied

i'm really sad, and mad and confused.

sad because i've possibly ruined my chance
man because i didn't get enough time
confused because i really don't know what to do

so what if, i went to UofT - would i still have this feeling of regret inside?
so what if, i went to Ryerson - would i still be stuck in this unhappy life?
Do i stay and continue without the risk of everything going wrong?
Or
Do i go and start a new life, risking everything?

why is this so hard? why? why? why?
So what if i accepted Ryerson? Why is that a bad thing? Why can't i be an average person? Why is it wrong? So what if they accept everyone? Why does this even matter?

Where do i want i go? I wish i knew.

god hates me, seriously

so today, daniel, my mom and i went to visit the UofT campus. It was pretty nice but it was quite empty. I really liked the apartment style residence and was planning to live there for the first fall semester. As i was online checking out how to deposit my $400, i saw a note that says "First Year Students cannot apply for Fall Semester Only". That really angered me as it basically ruined UofT for me.

I put a lot of thought into it and discussed it with my family and have come to conclusion that i am going to Ryerson. I know, i know, many people are going to think that was a dumb decision. But i have my pros and cons for each school and Ryerson had more pros. So, i went with whatever i thought was right at the moment.

If i regret this in the future, then ... oh well, whatever.

So... RYERSON FOR BUSINESS MANAGEMENT NEXT YEAR, yay?

i really hope it's me

I just came back from the JA Awards Ceremony and let me tell you:
IT SUCKED
Tina, you should be glad you didn't tag along.

Award winners won Dell NetBooks! I was soo frigging jealous! Some girl won 2 NetBooks!! One for being top sales ($1900s) and one for being Best VP of Marketing & Sales. Shit, so frigging jealous. Another guy won a NetBook AND a $1000 scholarship. Frigging people, everyone always win something but me...

Actually, not true.

I received the outstanding service award at work and will soon received the yearbook editor award and hopefully a SAC merit award. So that's better than nothing.

Anyways, i just read someone's blog and it was talking about friends and all that. That used to be a big deal to me, but now i just give up on friends (except for Tina, LOL). I can't fully trust someone after what has happened. People use what i tell them to judge me and to stab me in the back. But guess what? I really don't care. I'm proud of everything that has happened and how it changed my life, so i let it be inspirational rather than a bad secret. But anyways, this person apologized to one person who they supposably hurt, i don't really know who it is, but i would like to think it was me. Thinking it was me is always better than nothing.

life is full of setbacks

I finally accepted.

It was quite nerve-racking since i didn't know what exactly i was doing nor if this was really what i wanted. But i did it, i accepted UofT's offer. I'm visiting the campus this friday with Daniel and my mom. If i don't like it, then i'll just stay at home or maybe rent out a place closer to the campus. If i do like it, then i shall pack my bags and dip! I'm excited but yet nervous. It feels like the first day of high school all over again. "I don't know anyone!" or "I don't know where my classes are at!" or "I don't know if i'm taking the right courses!" or "I'm scared, what if nobody likes me" blah, blah, blah. You get what i mean cause we've all been through it.

Don't even deny it.

Can't believe it's so close. Close enough that i can even feel it... It really IS almost over. I remember saying "I can't wait to leave!" Although i still feel that way, i wish it would all slow down. I can't keep up with my life, i'm not ready yet!! But really, who is? Prom is in exactly a month and exams are approaching quickly.

Time - something you just can't control.

remind yourself there's only one you

Tell me how i spent the longest time looking for undies and then i bought the wrong size.
And of course it's final sale. The funny thing is I KNEW IT WASN'T MY SIZE! Except i wasn't thinking at the the moment and bought it. Whatever, it's just going to have to stretch..

Anyways, i spent my lovely sunny day with my boyfriend shopping downtown. It was quite fun... then we walked from Eatons to my house. Now i have a tan on just one of my arm and not the other, how great!

My mock trial is tomorrow, i'm quite nervous because i'm dressing up and all. But shortly my summatives will all be finished.

The year is actually almost over, it's quite scary - time is moving so fast and i wish it would just slow down a little. I'm picking my gown size and i just finished putting on my prom dress with my heels and clutch. It looks okay... not the greatest but whatever it's just one night, no big deal. I'm not going to spend too much money on this one night cause i don't think it's worth it. I already regret buying my dress. But nothing i can do.

i shall follow wherever life takes me

I have gotten many messages/comments about my previous post.
First off, i wanted to say thanks to those people for even taking 2 minutes of your busy life to give me your opinions. Thank you.
I have decided that i'm just going to continue this relationship because i believe that every relationship is going have bumps and obviously one will definitely be unhappy at some time. I think this is my time. I know, i know, some of you may think that i'm just making excuses up to stay or whatever .. but i still love him; Ms. B pulled me aside and asked me "Are you sick of him? Or are you sick of your life? You can't get those confused and blame him for everything." And i totally agree .. so just give me time to figure things out. I feel so bad for those who are trying to follow my life - you must be sick of it (amy).

Anyways, on the brighter side.. i think i'm leaning more towards UofT now.
1. I GET TO LIVE ON CAMPUS! WOOT WOOT!
2. Better experience because i'm on campus + co-op in second year
3. I want a challenge
4. I will meet different people and actually start FRESH
5. They seem to have more extra-curriculars

Whatever, wherever life takes me, i shall follow.

what's meant to be will always find its way

i'm so depressed right now. i just don't have the energy to do anything, not even sleep.
i want you to call me now! call me and tell me you love me. call me to reassure that everything will be okay.

even though i know it won't be okay.

i just want to break down and cry, break and let it out. Just break.

I can't stand trying to figure out what's wrong with myself. I just wished someone would understand how i felt.. Someone i could talk to. Someone who i can turn to for advice. But what do i have? Nothing... absolutely nothing. There's not one person in my life who could understand my state of being at the moment. No one.

I wish you were here

And that heaven is overrated

I'm so tired from work right now and my feet stink from my shoes!
I bought Toms today, i know i shouldn't be spending money.. but i needed new white shoes anyways.

You know what i've come to realized? That i'm more happy when i'm not with him. When i'm with him, i'm just frustrated and angry. I noticed this because i would always walk into work, angry and frustrated from the car ride with him. But as soon as i time in, i'm myself again. So what does this all mean? Please someone tell me.

Everyone says i shouldn't be saying the things i do because it hurts him. But don't you guys think that it hurts me as well to even have these thoughts inside of me? I shouldn't have to think and over analyze this relationship but sadly i am. It hurts me to question everyday whether or not it's really worth my time. It hurts me when i have to turn to a stupid blog to express myself. And yes, HE DOES READ MY BLOGS (for those wondering). I know he does. I know it hurts. I know and i still do it because the truth has to come out sooner or later. I rather he be with me knowing that i question our relationship everyday rather than pretend that i'm happy even though i'm not.

Honestly, i'm not happy. I know i've told you many times (and it's annoying) but it's the truth. I've tried to smile and pretend that everything's okay. But i know it's not. You say "I don't understand what's wrong? Why are you unhappy?" but i don't know either. All i know is i should be happy. Happy that i'm with such a great guy that loves me. Happy that we're finally graduating and going to post secondary together. Happy that we love each other. Happy that we trust each other. Happy that we're in love. But i'm not...

So what's next?

you win some, you lose some

REJECTED - yes, that is what has happened to me.
After waiting for soo long, they have finally decided to reject me. But you know what? I'm not as sad as i thought i would be.. I guess i knew i wouldn't be able to go away anyways. Oh well, can't say i didn't try. Anyways! On the brighter side, i now have 3 programs to choose from, well actually 2 because i am completely cutting off Retail Management. DECISIONS DECISIONS ..

I thought today's talent show went pretty well for something that wasn't very organized. Boy am i sweating. I was so amazed today, Richard's glowsticking blew my mind - it was freaking crazy!!

Anyways, i wanted to thank Tina Ta for doing everything for me. (Especially my essays for universities!) Without you, i wouldn't have gotten into UofT. But just because i got in, that doesn't mean i'm going! But thank you, you're simply an amazing friend! Or shall i say "You're soooo sweet". See you in writers' craft. Btw, i am only going to tmrw's class FOR YOU.

of course, just to complicate your life a little more

So ... i've been talking to a bunch of people and some are telling me to go to UofT and some are telling me to go to Ryerson..

UofT - Management and Economics (Pros and Cons)
- Quite far away , which can be a good thing but also a bad thing
- Going to be much harder
- Larger classes
- Not-so-close relationship with profs
- Not the program i wanted
- Prestigious
- Well known
- A challenge i want to take
- Better co-op placements

Ryerson - Business Management (Pros and Cons)
- Closer to home
- Closer to work
- Better relationships with profs
- Easier than UofT
- Has hookups to old tests/quizes
- Less prestigious school
- More me
- Smaller classes

So do i go to a prestigious school and do okay? Or should i go to a less prestigious school and do well?
I was already having a difficult time deciding... but of course, just to complicate my life a little more ..

RYERSON DECIDES TO GIVE ME A SCHOLARSHIP!

Sounds great right? No, not at all.
If only the scholarship was for Business Management, then i would be like "RYERSON, HERE I COME!" but no. The scholarship is for retail management. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO TO RETAIL MANAGEMENT! WHY? PLEASE WHY?

Whatever, i have come to decide that i am not going to let money buy me. I AM GOING TO A PROGRAM I ACTUALLY WANT!
And so ..

If Ryerson gives me a entrance scholarship for Business Management, then i am going to Ryerson.
If not, I shall go to UofT and challenge myself to study super hard.

Sounds good? I really hope so.

you are the thunder and i am the lightning

I GOT INTO UofT!! WOOOT! I think i'm more happy that i got another offer more than i am actually about the school..
I hate UofT.. I would definitely pick Ryerson over UofT, but UofT sounds so much better.. Plus it's more known than Ryerson is.
Oh the decisions... If only a school outside Toronto would accept me already, then i would be SO SO SO happy!

i don't need to try on every dress to know that it's the right one

I titled this blog with a quote that Tina said to me today.
I was telling her how i wanted to see what's available out there for me, how i wanted to maybe date other guys to see how i feel. I don't want to feel "trapped" but when she mentioned this quote, i felt as if it was true. I feel inspired (just a little).

When i went prom dress shopping, i tried on a total of 3 dresses.. and i fell in love with one. Right at that moment i knew it was the one, but yet i was questioning whether or not i should try on a couple more dresses. In the end, i bought the dress because i didn't want to try on anymore plus i didn't want to risk my chance of losing this dress. But now, whenever i put on the dress, i don't feel as in love with it as i was.. If i was given the opportunity to buy another dress, i would.

This is what i don't want to happen with my boyfriend. I love him with all my heart, but there are just things that make me question and doubt our relationship. These factors have caused me to want to maybe try other guys and see.. but yet at the same time i don't want to do something that i might regret or lose the one that i should really be with. He's a great guy, but i just don't want to feel as if i'm tied down. I don't want to be in this relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. In a couple years, i don't want to have the feeling of "if i could, i would".

Can't someone understand?

i remember years ago someone told me i should take caution when it comes to love

I just want to say i'm sorry ..
I've been a real bitch lately and i'm really sorry.
I appreciate all that you've done for me, thank you.
Thank you for taking extra time to do all these extra things for me. And spending extra cash on all these things just to cheer me up. I'm sorry i'm not the greatest girlfriend because you truly deserve it. I'm sorry.

it's not you, it's me

He finally asked. Can you believe it? He didn't really ask. I must admit .. the idea was really cute but i guess it was just bad timing.

Story goes..

So after school, i was furious .. furious that everyone was being asked but me. Furious that i was not happy. Furious that i felt unloved. Furious that it was such a beautiful day and i still felt sad. Just FURIOUS. As Daniel drove me home to drop off my bags, we didn't say a word. Even after we reached Eatons, all we said was "Bye". This all made me even MORE FURIOUS. By the time i walked into TNA, i was bursting with anger. But i had to put a smile on and say hi to all my co-workers. As i walk by the cash desk, Hana says "Hi Rosanna! Go to the back room!" I knew something was up.. as i got to the back, i see a bear with a cardboard box. I was wayyy too furious to care. My first reaction was "Oh god." (Btw, it was a bear, a puzzle containing a picture of us that said "Prom?" and a cookie cake that said "happy anniversary")

I get it, he's trying. I should really give him credit for all the effort he's putting in. As all my co-workers ask me what's wrong, i try to brush it off, trying to keep my personal life away from work. But as i explained to them, i caught myself saying "Honestly, he didn't do anything wrong.. i'm just unhappy. He's trying to cheer me up, he's trying very hard actually.. But i'm just unhappy."

That's when i realized that all this time that i complained about him, it was really me. He didn't do anything wrong, i was just being a bitch. But i have to admit that i still feel sad because a part of me wants to leave this relationship, but yet a part of me wants to stay and give it another shot. I never thought i would ever say this but really, it's not you .. it's me.

But thank you, thank you for trying. Thank you for everything.

bloated with confusion

I feel bloated, not because i ate too much but because i'm confused about so many things. School is slowly coming to an end and i'm trying to squeeze work, yoga, school, boyfriend, and family all into my schedule. It's hectic. Little things are stressing me out and pissing me off, but i just don't know how to get it through your head. Yes, YOU. You, the one who's suppose to be making me laugh. You, the one who is suppose to be supporting me and guiding me through these hard times. You, the one who's suppose to show me what love's all about. You, the one who's suppose to be my stress reliever. You, the one who i'm suppose to be happy with. But yet i'm not. I don't feel happy when i'm around you, but rather depressed and confused. I don't feel relief but rather more stressed than i already am. I don't feel love but rather disappointment. Overall, i'm just bloated with confusion.

By the way, Happy 27 months. Thanks for saying something. Jerk.

I wish i didn't know, i really do

Frustrated. That's how i feel right now. Just desperate to know what's going on. I wish i didn't know something was going on, i really do. I woke up today at 8 am and i was already cautious of what was going on, making sure that every second nothing changed. Story is, i have been warned that today was going to be different and special by my boyfriend. I've been waiting ALL FUCKING DAY to see what was special, and let me tell you.. it's 7:49 pm right now, and NOTHING SPECIAL HAS HAPPENED. Nothing at all. Every single move i've made, which includes getting into the car, opening my locker, opening my the doors to my house, walking into class, etc. I just can't take it anymore, i wish i didn't know, i really do. I'm so fucking frustrated and i just can't take my mind off it. I thought this was going to be cute or something, but now it's just annoying. And you know what? It probably won't even matter that much, which is going to be even MORE frustrating because i've been waiting all day.

The other thing that bothers me is that it seems like everyone knows what's going on but me, EVERYONE. Every time i look at someone, they give me this smirk.. like what the fuck? Oh gosh i'm so annoyed and i know i shouldn't be, but it's soo fucking annoying. I'm so mad right now, so so so so so so mad, arghhhhhhhhh. This better be good, i fucking swear.

what's somebody like you doing in a place like this?

You know what i've realized? That all my ISUs are being finished either the week that it's due or the day before. This is not good, but it works. I have so much crap i should be doing right now but instead i am writing here because i have this urge to write everyday. But only ONCE A DAY, unlike Tina. She's fucking nuts.

Anyways, i'm starving right now.. but i'm determined to not eat. Plus, i'm so angry at my mom so i'm trying to starve myself to piss her off. You know what i don't get? I passed, got my G2 and have finally been added to her insurance but yet i'm not allowed to drive because she claims that i don't know how to work her car, or i'm going to get into an accident, or i don't know how to park properly, or it's dangerous. I AM SO SICK OF THESE EXCUSES. Over and over again. What's the point? Like really, what was the point in me getting my license? She keeps saying, wait till you get older. But getting older isn't going to improve my driving! Like what the fuck? Gosh i'm so mad!

Sometimes i really wish i didn't live with my family. But at the same time, i know if i ever left them i would miss them. Stupid love-hate relationships. Why do i always end up with them?

my heart belongs with you

He is so amazing! He doesn't look that great there, but go see his cover "B.O.B - Nothing On You" He looks super cute there! And guess what? HE LIVES IN GERMANY! How cool is that? But honestly his voice is amazing, i'm so in love with him.

Anyways, today daniel called me while i was lurking this boy and he said "go check your facebook" Stunned, i was happy and excited to check facebook thinking maybe he left me a cute message or something. (Or maybe even ask me to prom?) But who am i kidding? It's Daniel Chu. Not saying it's a bad thing, but since when does he ever do anything "cute". Maybe that's why when i'm with him i don't feel as if he's my boyfriend but rather a very close male best friend. I remember someone saying "I've never seen them kiss." Well, that's because we're not like that. We don't kiss in front of people, we don't show much affection in front of people. But everyone knows we're together because ... well, we're kind of like one person now. No daniel without rosanna and no rosanna without daniel.

But what exactly do i want? Do i want a boyfriend or do i want a male best friend? I really don't know. All i know is he plays quite an important role in my life. He gives me something to look forward to in the future, he gives me a reason to smile when i'm sad, and when we fight and laugh, it's just funny. I love it all. I love the times that we spend together, whether it's in my room, reading FMLs or driving to malls, miles away. It's all worth it. Maybe that's why i love this relationship, because it's not really a relationship. It's kind of in between.

I guess when i complain and say that i'm scared that this relationship won't last, i'm really actually afraid of coming to the time where i have to determine whether or not i want him as a boyfriend or a very close male best friend. All i know is he has his place in my heart, whether it's a best friend or a boyfriend, i love him.

you can be the vodka and i can be the chaser

Happy mothers' day !

So far my weekend has been amazing! (well, kinda)
So yesterday, i went to Coach and bought Daniel's mother a coach coin purse, on top of that i got 25% off! I was so excited. Then i went to Lululemon to see if there were any nice tops on sale for yoga, but there wasn't. Then i was contemplating if i should pay $25 for a water bottle, since i really needed a new one (my CANADA one broke:( ) But i didn't like the new water bottles because i hate the big opening and was looking specifically for the smaller mouth openings. So i went to indigo to check out some water bottles.. I spotted one that i liked but had no price tags on it. I bought it anyways because i needed it quite badly, when i was checking out, the cashier was like "$11.74 please" I WAS STUNNED. So i asked "Oh, how much was the bottle w/o taxes?" and guess what? It was $12.99 plus i got 20% off! WOOT WOOT! It was just a day full of discounts! I loved it.

Then i went to work, which was okay, but i was super happy to receive my "Outstanding Service" Award and prize (which turned out to be $250 gift card + a watch) I was a little disappointed in the watch that i got since it looked exactly like the one i already have. But whatever.

When work was done, Daniel and I went to the keg. Everything was okay, but our server pissed me off. He spent a good 5 minutes telling me about their martinis and cocktails. And so i ordered my regular strawberry daiquiri like i always do. "Do you have a piece of ID with you?" (Well, duh, no) But if you knew i was underage why the hell would you keep explaining to me what your drinks were? Then my food. It was okay... my fries were wayyy to salty, but i didn't want to complain and so i ignored it and didn't finish it. Overall it was ... okay..

Today, it came! It finally came! I'm not going to say what. BUT IT CAME! i was soo happy and relieved at the same time! Gosh, it always does this to me.

your lipstick stains

It's a saturday morning and I am up at 8 am in the morning... how great.
But i'm kind of excited for today, since today Anna Nam is going to give me my gift for winning outstanding service, and it's going to be a BIG gift. WOOOT WOOT!

School is slowly coming along, my ISUs are slowly being finished and i'm just so excited for it to be all over. I want to accept my offer but i kind of want to wait to see what else comes my way.

OH, btw ... my $20 a week is going fairly well, i still have $5 left for this week. But today i'm going to have to bring out that deadly debit card to buy daniel's mother a gift and take out money for my mom's gift + my next week's allowance.

Sometimes i wonder who actually reads my blogs... IF YOU ARE READING THIS, ASK YOURSELF, WHY? Is it because you're bored? Or is it because you want to know what i think about? Or is it because you just have nothing better to do? I read other people's blog because i want to know what's going on in their lives. Stalker-ish eh? You better watch out.

a place much simpler than this

My $20/week is working out quite fine .. (minus the fact that i spent $20 on a top today @ american apparel)
But other than that i promised i would not buy anything else. So far from my allowance i've spent $8.61 for lunch and an ice cap. That's pretty good for two days (do not include shirt!). I've tucked away my debit and visa card, so even if i see something nice, i will not be able to afford it. This is quite sad, how i have to punish myself for spending too much money. But seriously.. i really need to stop. I made $14 000 last year, and i can tell you right now that those are not the same numbers in my bank account. Then i take a look at my closet, half of this crap that i once thought i need isn't even being touched at all! But anyways, no more complaining about my money. Let's talk about my successes!

So today during SAC they voted for SAC merit awards. It's quite sad, how bad i want one. Everyone also asks "Why do you even want one?" Well, unlike others.. i don't get many awards. I'm not very intelligent nor passionate about volunteering. So i've never actually received an award, well other than the stupid awards from elementary. But that doesn't count. Anyways, hopefully i got one! I really want one! :(

ANOTHER ONE OF MY SUCCESSES TODAY ..

So i was in the cafeteria talking to jessica and christine about the name stamps, when i checked my phone and noticed i had a text! So i read it and it said "Awww ro! You won outstanding service!!! Wooot! Congratulations!" At first i was like "Who is this? And what is she talking about?" But then i realized that this had to do with work! OMG i won something! As we texted back and forth i finally realized that it was Arlene.

I must admit, i was super happy deep inside. Winning this means that all my managers voted for me! And guess what? I get $250 to spend! WOOT WOOT! I kept telling daniel "I've never won anything before". Boy am i excited! Anyways that was my exciting story.

P.S - Did i mention that my ugly picture taken in 2008 is on the backboards of every single Aritzia! I STILL HAD ORANGE HAIR!!

I can really use a wish right now

I've been thinking ...

I'm a pretty lucky girl. Yes, i complain about almost everything.

"Omg, what am i going to eat for lunch?"

"I have no money to buy that!"

"I hate my life, i hate my family, i hate everything."

You know, things that we all complain about on a regular basis. But what do we know? What do we know about being poor? What do we know about being hungry? What do we know about family?

Nothing. Well, at least i don't. I'm a pretty selfish person and to think about it, i think it's because everyone around me is selfish - but who am i to blame? There's only been about three people that i've met in my life that isn't selfish. Tina Ta, Daniel Chu, and Daniel's mom.

Sometimes, i thank god that he gave me a chance to meet such people. Even if our relationships don't last forever, they've definitely made a difference in my life. A positive difference.

I've changed a lot, some may see it as a good way and some may see it as a bad way. But i really don't care .. I'm happy with who i am. People can hate all they want, keep hating, you're my motivation in the morning. You motivate me to do better, to be better, to be someone who will speak their mind.

Today i looked at my bank account .. and my money is just going to random CRAP. And so i've decided that i am going on a $20 a week plan. DO NOT LAUGH AT ME. I WILL DO IT. JUST YOU WATCH. It's going to be hard... but i'll do it. Somehow ...

what's this beef?

I just signed up for this "blog". To be honest, I don't even know what I'm doing .. but everyone seems to be doing it. I guess it's the new Facebook. It's funny how I used to go on AsianAvenue then to ZuuP and then to Facebook and I guess this is going to be the new thing.

March Break is almost over, and in a way I'm kind of excited. I love school - except for the fact that I'm doing HORRIBLE. But whatever, I was never intelligent anyways. Whatever, I have nothing to say.