i'll never be the same, if we meet again

Right now, as i speak, i am going no where.
I've rejected all my offers (which UofT told me to do in order for me to accept theirs).
I really hope they don't screw up my life, or else i'll have no where to go! NO WHERE! :( I was talking to Margaret in calculus and she's going to the management program at UTSC as well, but she said that i have to make sure i maintain a 3.0 gpa in order to apply to their second year management program. If i don't, then i guess i fail in life. How great.

that's how strong my love is

Yes, i've decided. I'm going to UofT. Yes, YES! YES!!

My dad is going to pay for my residence and my mom is paying for tuition. I'm going to pay for books, food, and my personal needs. Although, i was still contemplating about which one to go, i realized that when i said "I'm going to try to call UofT on Monday and ask if i could accept their offer" I was a little more relieved and satisfied. I think if i go to Ryerson, i'll always have this feeling of regret (like i do now). Now, let's really hope they will still accept me? Even if they don't, i can at least say "I tried".

Let's hope a second chance will be given. I really need it.

tongue-tied

i'm really sad, and mad and confused.

sad because i've possibly ruined my chance
man because i didn't get enough time
confused because i really don't know what to do

so what if, i went to UofT - would i still have this feeling of regret inside?
so what if, i went to Ryerson - would i still be stuck in this unhappy life?
Do i stay and continue without the risk of everything going wrong?
Or
Do i go and start a new life, risking everything?

why is this so hard? why? why? why?
So what if i accepted Ryerson? Why is that a bad thing? Why can't i be an average person? Why is it wrong? So what if they accept everyone? Why does this even matter?

Where do i want i go? I wish i knew.

god hates me, seriously

so today, daniel, my mom and i went to visit the UofT campus. It was pretty nice but it was quite empty. I really liked the apartment style residence and was planning to live there for the first fall semester. As i was online checking out how to deposit my $400, i saw a note that says "First Year Students cannot apply for Fall Semester Only". That really angered me as it basically ruined UofT for me.

I put a lot of thought into it and discussed it with my family and have come to conclusion that i am going to Ryerson. I know, i know, many people are going to think that was a dumb decision. But i have my pros and cons for each school and Ryerson had more pros. So, i went with whatever i thought was right at the moment.

If i regret this in the future, then ... oh well, whatever.

So... RYERSON FOR BUSINESS MANAGEMENT NEXT YEAR, yay?

i really hope it's me

I just came back from the JA Awards Ceremony and let me tell you:
IT SUCKED
Tina, you should be glad you didn't tag along.

Award winners won Dell NetBooks! I was soo frigging jealous! Some girl won 2 NetBooks!! One for being top sales ($1900s) and one for being Best VP of Marketing & Sales. Shit, so frigging jealous. Another guy won a NetBook AND a $1000 scholarship. Frigging people, everyone always win something but me...

Actually, not true.

I received the outstanding service award at work and will soon received the yearbook editor award and hopefully a SAC merit award. So that's better than nothing.

Anyways, i just read someone's blog and it was talking about friends and all that. That used to be a big deal to me, but now i just give up on friends (except for Tina, LOL). I can't fully trust someone after what has happened. People use what i tell them to judge me and to stab me in the back. But guess what? I really don't care. I'm proud of everything that has happened and how it changed my life, so i let it be inspirational rather than a bad secret. But anyways, this person apologized to one person who they supposably hurt, i don't really know who it is, but i would like to think it was me. Thinking it was me is always better than nothing.

life is full of setbacks

I finally accepted.

It was quite nerve-racking since i didn't know what exactly i was doing nor if this was really what i wanted. But i did it, i accepted UofT's offer. I'm visiting the campus this friday with Daniel and my mom. If i don't like it, then i'll just stay at home or maybe rent out a place closer to the campus. If i do like it, then i shall pack my bags and dip! I'm excited but yet nervous. It feels like the first day of high school all over again. "I don't know anyone!" or "I don't know where my classes are at!" or "I don't know if i'm taking the right courses!" or "I'm scared, what if nobody likes me" blah, blah, blah. You get what i mean cause we've all been through it.

Don't even deny it.

Can't believe it's so close. Close enough that i can even feel it... It really IS almost over. I remember saying "I can't wait to leave!" Although i still feel that way, i wish it would all slow down. I can't keep up with my life, i'm not ready yet!! But really, who is? Prom is in exactly a month and exams are approaching quickly.

Time - something you just can't control.

remind yourself there's only one you

Tell me how i spent the longest time looking for undies and then i bought the wrong size.
And of course it's final sale. The funny thing is I KNEW IT WASN'T MY SIZE! Except i wasn't thinking at the the moment and bought it. Whatever, it's just going to have to stretch..

Anyways, i spent my lovely sunny day with my boyfriend shopping downtown. It was quite fun... then we walked from Eatons to my house. Now i have a tan on just one of my arm and not the other, how great!

My mock trial is tomorrow, i'm quite nervous because i'm dressing up and all. But shortly my summatives will all be finished.

The year is actually almost over, it's quite scary - time is moving so fast and i wish it would just slow down a little. I'm picking my gown size and i just finished putting on my prom dress with my heels and clutch. It looks okay... not the greatest but whatever it's just one night, no big deal. I'm not going to spend too much money on this one night cause i don't think it's worth it. I already regret buying my dress. But nothing i can do.

i shall follow wherever life takes me

I have gotten many messages/comments about my previous post.
First off, i wanted to say thanks to those people for even taking 2 minutes of your busy life to give me your opinions. Thank you.
I have decided that i'm just going to continue this relationship because i believe that every relationship is going have bumps and obviously one will definitely be unhappy at some time. I think this is my time. I know, i know, some of you may think that i'm just making excuses up to stay or whatever .. but i still love him; Ms. B pulled me aside and asked me "Are you sick of him? Or are you sick of your life? You can't get those confused and blame him for everything." And i totally agree .. so just give me time to figure things out. I feel so bad for those who are trying to follow my life - you must be sick of it (amy).

Anyways, on the brighter side.. i think i'm leaning more towards UofT now.
1. I GET TO LIVE ON CAMPUS! WOOT WOOT!
2. Better experience because i'm on campus + co-op in second year
3. I want a challenge
4. I will meet different people and actually start FRESH
5. They seem to have more extra-curriculars

Whatever, wherever life takes me, i shall follow.

what's meant to be will always find its way

i'm so depressed right now. i just don't have the energy to do anything, not even sleep.
i want you to call me now! call me and tell me you love me. call me to reassure that everything will be okay.

even though i know it won't be okay.

i just want to break down and cry, break and let it out. Just break.

I can't stand trying to figure out what's wrong with myself. I just wished someone would understand how i felt.. Someone i could talk to. Someone who i can turn to for advice. But what do i have? Nothing... absolutely nothing. There's not one person in my life who could understand my state of being at the moment. No one.

I wish you were here

And that heaven is overrated

I'm so tired from work right now and my feet stink from my shoes!
I bought Toms today, i know i shouldn't be spending money.. but i needed new white shoes anyways.

You know what i've come to realized? That i'm more happy when i'm not with him. When i'm with him, i'm just frustrated and angry. I noticed this because i would always walk into work, angry and frustrated from the car ride with him. But as soon as i time in, i'm myself again. So what does this all mean? Please someone tell me.

Everyone says i shouldn't be saying the things i do because it hurts him. But don't you guys think that it hurts me as well to even have these thoughts inside of me? I shouldn't have to think and over analyze this relationship but sadly i am. It hurts me to question everyday whether or not it's really worth my time. It hurts me when i have to turn to a stupid blog to express myself. And yes, HE DOES READ MY BLOGS (for those wondering). I know he does. I know it hurts. I know and i still do it because the truth has to come out sooner or later. I rather he be with me knowing that i question our relationship everyday rather than pretend that i'm happy even though i'm not.

Honestly, i'm not happy. I know i've told you many times (and it's annoying) but it's the truth. I've tried to smile and pretend that everything's okay. But i know it's not. You say "I don't understand what's wrong? Why are you unhappy?" but i don't know either. All i know is i should be happy. Happy that i'm with such a great guy that loves me. Happy that we're finally graduating and going to post secondary together. Happy that we love each other. Happy that we trust each other. Happy that we're in love. But i'm not...

So what's next?

you win some, you lose some

REJECTED - yes, that is what has happened to me.
After waiting for soo long, they have finally decided to reject me. But you know what? I'm not as sad as i thought i would be.. I guess i knew i wouldn't be able to go away anyways. Oh well, can't say i didn't try. Anyways! On the brighter side, i now have 3 programs to choose from, well actually 2 because i am completely cutting off Retail Management. DECISIONS DECISIONS ..

I thought today's talent show went pretty well for something that wasn't very organized. Boy am i sweating. I was so amazed today, Richard's glowsticking blew my mind - it was freaking crazy!!

Anyways, i wanted to thank Tina Ta for doing everything for me. (Especially my essays for universities!) Without you, i wouldn't have gotten into UofT. But just because i got in, that doesn't mean i'm going! But thank you, you're simply an amazing friend! Or shall i say "You're soooo sweet". See you in writers' craft. Btw, i am only going to tmrw's class FOR YOU.

of course, just to complicate your life a little more

So ... i've been talking to a bunch of people and some are telling me to go to UofT and some are telling me to go to Ryerson..

UofT - Management and Economics (Pros and Cons)
- Quite far away , which can be a good thing but also a bad thing
- Going to be much harder
- Larger classes
- Not-so-close relationship with profs
- Not the program i wanted
- Prestigious
- Well known
- A challenge i want to take
- Better co-op placements

Ryerson - Business Management (Pros and Cons)
- Closer to home
- Closer to work
- Better relationships with profs
- Easier than UofT
- Has hookups to old tests/quizes
- Less prestigious school
- More me
- Smaller classes

So do i go to a prestigious school and do okay? Or should i go to a less prestigious school and do well?
I was already having a difficult time deciding... but of course, just to complicate my life a little more ..

RYERSON DECIDES TO GIVE ME A SCHOLARSHIP!

Sounds great right? No, not at all.
If only the scholarship was for Business Management, then i would be like "RYERSON, HERE I COME!" but no. The scholarship is for retail management. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO TO RETAIL MANAGEMENT! WHY? PLEASE WHY?

Whatever, i have come to decide that i am not going to let money buy me. I AM GOING TO A PROGRAM I ACTUALLY WANT!
And so ..

If Ryerson gives me a entrance scholarship for Business Management, then i am going to Ryerson.
If not, I shall go to UofT and challenge myself to study super hard.

Sounds good? I really hope so.

you are the thunder and i am the lightning

I GOT INTO UofT!! WOOOT! I think i'm more happy that i got another offer more than i am actually about the school..
I hate UofT.. I would definitely pick Ryerson over UofT, but UofT sounds so much better.. Plus it's more known than Ryerson is.
Oh the decisions... If only a school outside Toronto would accept me already, then i would be SO SO SO happy!

i don't need to try on every dress to know that it's the right one

I titled this blog with a quote that Tina said to me today.
I was telling her how i wanted to see what's available out there for me, how i wanted to maybe date other guys to see how i feel. I don't want to feel "trapped" but when she mentioned this quote, i felt as if it was true. I feel inspired (just a little).

When i went prom dress shopping, i tried on a total of 3 dresses.. and i fell in love with one. Right at that moment i knew it was the one, but yet i was questioning whether or not i should try on a couple more dresses. In the end, i bought the dress because i didn't want to try on anymore plus i didn't want to risk my chance of losing this dress. But now, whenever i put on the dress, i don't feel as in love with it as i was.. If i was given the opportunity to buy another dress, i would.

This is what i don't want to happen with my boyfriend. I love him with all my heart, but there are just things that make me question and doubt our relationship. These factors have caused me to want to maybe try other guys and see.. but yet at the same time i don't want to do something that i might regret or lose the one that i should really be with. He's a great guy, but i just don't want to feel as if i'm tied down. I don't want to be in this relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. In a couple years, i don't want to have the feeling of "if i could, i would".

Can't someone understand?

i remember years ago someone told me i should take caution when it comes to love

I just want to say i'm sorry ..
I've been a real bitch lately and i'm really sorry.
I appreciate all that you've done for me, thank you.
Thank you for taking extra time to do all these extra things for me. And spending extra cash on all these things just to cheer me up. I'm sorry i'm not the greatest girlfriend because you truly deserve it. I'm sorry.

it's not you, it's me

He finally asked. Can you believe it? He didn't really ask. I must admit .. the idea was really cute but i guess it was just bad timing.

Story goes..

So after school, i was furious .. furious that everyone was being asked but me. Furious that i was not happy. Furious that i felt unloved. Furious that it was such a beautiful day and i still felt sad. Just FURIOUS. As Daniel drove me home to drop off my bags, we didn't say a word. Even after we reached Eatons, all we said was "Bye". This all made me even MORE FURIOUS. By the time i walked into TNA, i was bursting with anger. But i had to put a smile on and say hi to all my co-workers. As i walk by the cash desk, Hana says "Hi Rosanna! Go to the back room!" I knew something was up.. as i got to the back, i see a bear with a cardboard box. I was wayyy too furious to care. My first reaction was "Oh god." (Btw, it was a bear, a puzzle containing a picture of us that said "Prom?" and a cookie cake that said "happy anniversary")

I get it, he's trying. I should really give him credit for all the effort he's putting in. As all my co-workers ask me what's wrong, i try to brush it off, trying to keep my personal life away from work. But as i explained to them, i caught myself saying "Honestly, he didn't do anything wrong.. i'm just unhappy. He's trying to cheer me up, he's trying very hard actually.. But i'm just unhappy."

That's when i realized that all this time that i complained about him, it was really me. He didn't do anything wrong, i was just being a bitch. But i have to admit that i still feel sad because a part of me wants to leave this relationship, but yet a part of me wants to stay and give it another shot. I never thought i would ever say this but really, it's not you .. it's me.

But thank you, thank you for trying. Thank you for everything.

bloated with confusion

I feel bloated, not because i ate too much but because i'm confused about so many things. School is slowly coming to an end and i'm trying to squeeze work, yoga, school, boyfriend, and family all into my schedule. It's hectic. Little things are stressing me out and pissing me off, but i just don't know how to get it through your head. Yes, YOU. You, the one who's suppose to be making me laugh. You, the one who is suppose to be supporting me and guiding me through these hard times. You, the one who's suppose to show me what love's all about. You, the one who's suppose to be my stress reliever. You, the one who i'm suppose to be happy with. But yet i'm not. I don't feel happy when i'm around you, but rather depressed and confused. I don't feel relief but rather more stressed than i already am. I don't feel love but rather disappointment. Overall, i'm just bloated with confusion.

By the way, Happy 27 months. Thanks for saying something. Jerk.

I wish i didn't know, i really do

Frustrated. That's how i feel right now. Just desperate to know what's going on. I wish i didn't know something was going on, i really do. I woke up today at 8 am and i was already cautious of what was going on, making sure that every second nothing changed. Story is, i have been warned that today was going to be different and special by my boyfriend. I've been waiting ALL FUCKING DAY to see what was special, and let me tell you.. it's 7:49 pm right now, and NOTHING SPECIAL HAS HAPPENED. Nothing at all. Every single move i've made, which includes getting into the car, opening my locker, opening my the doors to my house, walking into class, etc. I just can't take it anymore, i wish i didn't know, i really do. I'm so fucking frustrated and i just can't take my mind off it. I thought this was going to be cute or something, but now it's just annoying. And you know what? It probably won't even matter that much, which is going to be even MORE frustrating because i've been waiting all day.

The other thing that bothers me is that it seems like everyone knows what's going on but me, EVERYONE. Every time i look at someone, they give me this smirk.. like what the fuck? Oh gosh i'm so annoyed and i know i shouldn't be, but it's soo fucking annoying. I'm so mad right now, so so so so so so mad, arghhhhhhhhh. This better be good, i fucking swear.

what's somebody like you doing in a place like this?

You know what i've realized? That all my ISUs are being finished either the week that it's due or the day before. This is not good, but it works. I have so much crap i should be doing right now but instead i am writing here because i have this urge to write everyday. But only ONCE A DAY, unlike Tina. She's fucking nuts.

Anyways, i'm starving right now.. but i'm determined to not eat. Plus, i'm so angry at my mom so i'm trying to starve myself to piss her off. You know what i don't get? I passed, got my G2 and have finally been added to her insurance but yet i'm not allowed to drive because she claims that i don't know how to work her car, or i'm going to get into an accident, or i don't know how to park properly, or it's dangerous. I AM SO SICK OF THESE EXCUSES. Over and over again. What's the point? Like really, what was the point in me getting my license? She keeps saying, wait till you get older. But getting older isn't going to improve my driving! Like what the fuck? Gosh i'm so mad!

Sometimes i really wish i didn't live with my family. But at the same time, i know if i ever left them i would miss them. Stupid love-hate relationships. Why do i always end up with them?

my heart belongs with you

He is so amazing! He doesn't look that great there, but go see his cover "B.O.B - Nothing On You" He looks super cute there! And guess what? HE LIVES IN GERMANY! How cool is that? But honestly his voice is amazing, i'm so in love with him.

Anyways, today daniel called me while i was lurking this boy and he said "go check your facebook" Stunned, i was happy and excited to check facebook thinking maybe he left me a cute message or something. (Or maybe even ask me to prom?) But who am i kidding? It's Daniel Chu. Not saying it's a bad thing, but since when does he ever do anything "cute". Maybe that's why when i'm with him i don't feel as if he's my boyfriend but rather a very close male best friend. I remember someone saying "I've never seen them kiss." Well, that's because we're not like that. We don't kiss in front of people, we don't show much affection in front of people. But everyone knows we're together because ... well, we're kind of like one person now. No daniel without rosanna and no rosanna without daniel.

But what exactly do i want? Do i want a boyfriend or do i want a male best friend? I really don't know. All i know is he plays quite an important role in my life. He gives me something to look forward to in the future, he gives me a reason to smile when i'm sad, and when we fight and laugh, it's just funny. I love it all. I love the times that we spend together, whether it's in my room, reading FMLs or driving to malls, miles away. It's all worth it. Maybe that's why i love this relationship, because it's not really a relationship. It's kind of in between.

I guess when i complain and say that i'm scared that this relationship won't last, i'm really actually afraid of coming to the time where i have to determine whether or not i want him as a boyfriend or a very close male best friend. All i know is he has his place in my heart, whether it's a best friend or a boyfriend, i love him.

you can be the vodka and i can be the chaser

Happy mothers' day !

So far my weekend has been amazing! (well, kinda)
So yesterday, i went to Coach and bought Daniel's mother a coach coin purse, on top of that i got 25% off! I was so excited. Then i went to Lululemon to see if there were any nice tops on sale for yoga, but there wasn't. Then i was contemplating if i should pay $25 for a water bottle, since i really needed a new one (my CANADA one broke:( ) But i didn't like the new water bottles because i hate the big opening and was looking specifically for the smaller mouth openings. So i went to indigo to check out some water bottles.. I spotted one that i liked but had no price tags on it. I bought it anyways because i needed it quite badly, when i was checking out, the cashier was like "$11.74 please" I WAS STUNNED. So i asked "Oh, how much was the bottle w/o taxes?" and guess what? It was $12.99 plus i got 20% off! WOOT WOOT! It was just a day full of discounts! I loved it.

Then i went to work, which was okay, but i was super happy to receive my "Outstanding Service" Award and prize (which turned out to be $250 gift card + a watch) I was a little disappointed in the watch that i got since it looked exactly like the one i already have. But whatever.

When work was done, Daniel and I went to the keg. Everything was okay, but our server pissed me off. He spent a good 5 minutes telling me about their martinis and cocktails. And so i ordered my regular strawberry daiquiri like i always do. "Do you have a piece of ID with you?" (Well, duh, no) But if you knew i was underage why the hell would you keep explaining to me what your drinks were? Then my food. It was okay... my fries were wayyy to salty, but i didn't want to complain and so i ignored it and didn't finish it. Overall it was ... okay..

Today, it came! It finally came! I'm not going to say what. BUT IT CAME! i was soo happy and relieved at the same time! Gosh, it always does this to me.

your lipstick stains

It's a saturday morning and I am up at 8 am in the morning... how great.
But i'm kind of excited for today, since today Anna Nam is going to give me my gift for winning outstanding service, and it's going to be a BIG gift. WOOOT WOOT!

School is slowly coming along, my ISUs are slowly being finished and i'm just so excited for it to be all over. I want to accept my offer but i kind of want to wait to see what else comes my way.

OH, btw ... my $20 a week is going fairly well, i still have $5 left for this week. But today i'm going to have to bring out that deadly debit card to buy daniel's mother a gift and take out money for my mom's gift + my next week's allowance.

Sometimes i wonder who actually reads my blogs... IF YOU ARE READING THIS, ASK YOURSELF, WHY? Is it because you're bored? Or is it because you want to know what i think about? Or is it because you just have nothing better to do? I read other people's blog because i want to know what's going on in their lives. Stalker-ish eh? You better watch out.

a place much simpler than this

My $20/week is working out quite fine .. (minus the fact that i spent $20 on a top today @ american apparel)
But other than that i promised i would not buy anything else. So far from my allowance i've spent $8.61 for lunch and an ice cap. That's pretty good for two days (do not include shirt!). I've tucked away my debit and visa card, so even if i see something nice, i will not be able to afford it. This is quite sad, how i have to punish myself for spending too much money. But seriously.. i really need to stop. I made $14 000 last year, and i can tell you right now that those are not the same numbers in my bank account. Then i take a look at my closet, half of this crap that i once thought i need isn't even being touched at all! But anyways, no more complaining about my money. Let's talk about my successes!

So today during SAC they voted for SAC merit awards. It's quite sad, how bad i want one. Everyone also asks "Why do you even want one?" Well, unlike others.. i don't get many awards. I'm not very intelligent nor passionate about volunteering. So i've never actually received an award, well other than the stupid awards from elementary. But that doesn't count. Anyways, hopefully i got one! I really want one! :(

ANOTHER ONE OF MY SUCCESSES TODAY ..

So i was in the cafeteria talking to jessica and christine about the name stamps, when i checked my phone and noticed i had a text! So i read it and it said "Awww ro! You won outstanding service!!! Wooot! Congratulations!" At first i was like "Who is this? And what is she talking about?" But then i realized that this had to do with work! OMG i won something! As we texted back and forth i finally realized that it was Arlene.

I must admit, i was super happy deep inside. Winning this means that all my managers voted for me! And guess what? I get $250 to spend! WOOT WOOT! I kept telling daniel "I've never won anything before". Boy am i excited! Anyways that was my exciting story.

P.S - Did i mention that my ugly picture taken in 2008 is on the backboards of every single Aritzia! I STILL HAD ORANGE HAIR!!