you ask me if i'm ready

I'm tired, so so so tired. I won't even lie.

Although summatives are all done, i feel as if my life is not settled. WHERE THE FUCK AM I GOING NEXT YEAR? I'm so tired, tired of trying to figure everything out, tired of having to call 50 billion numbers, tired of checking ouac and seeing the same fucking shit! I'M SO TIRED! Does anyone fucking get it? Tired of arguing with my mom, tired of trying to explain to her, tired of her changing her mind. I regret it all, i regret accepting ryerson's offer, i regret rejecting ryerson afterwards. Sometimes i think, if i just stuck to ryerson, i wouldn't be in this huge mess i created. Now? I'M STUCK. STUCK AND NO BODY FUCKING UNDERSTANDS THE PRESSURE I'M UNDER. "The worst thing that can happen is that you'll have no where to go next year." WORST? THAT'S THE WORST THING THAT CAN EVER HAPPEN. I worked so hard, i made sure my last year was the year i put all my effort into, the year i was going to be known as the girl that was into everything, the year that was going to change my life, now you're telling me i did all that for no fucking reason? I'm so tired of trying to make this work, i'm so tired of trying to please everyone, i'm so tired. Doesn't anyone get it? Where is my life going? What am i doing to my life? I have been skipping almost every class because i just can't sit there anymore, sit there and wonder where i'm going next year, sit there while everyone is excited to finish their year while i'm scared it's going to finish without me. I can't think anymore, people can talk shit about me, people can gossip, people can call me names, people can judge me but all that doesn't matter to me. Yes, it hurts. Hurts to hear people call me fat knowing that i'm self-concious, I know it's a joke but is it really necessary? It's like calling someone disabled, a handicap. Like really? But honestly whatever, it doesn't mater at all right now. I just want to have a future doesn't anyone get it? I just want to leave all these horrible people that i've met in high school who have possibly ruined my life, my personality, my actions, my words, the old me. The one who used to be social, the one who use to plan all these get togethers, the one who used to be the happy girl who everyone wanted to hang out with, the one who people use to care about, what happened?

Now i'm scared, scared to tell someone something, scared to express myself, scared to be hurt again, scared to be left again, scared to lose something. Because of you, because of you i have now turned into this person, because of you i'm scared to ever have a best friend, because of you i'm scared to tell the truth, because of you i'm scared to walk confidently, because of you.

I'm so tired. So so tired, someone please take me somewhere else, i can't handle this place called earth. Can't simply handle people with such black hearts. Simply can't.