Stupid OSAP! They're giving me $0, absolutely NOTHING.
This is so unfair, so so unfair.
I don't make that much money (do i?), I don't even have that in my bank account. Gosh, they just assume the fact that i make $15 grand a year, i can pay for school.
WELL, I CAN'T!
If you know me, you know i can't. I have nothing close to $15 grand in my bank account.. I don't know how they expect me to pay for school. I need to call them and ask them to reconsider it.
First off, i think i made a couple mistakes because of misunderstandings
Second off, i didn't divide up the amount i had from RESP but instead i wrote the total amount i had
Third off, I AM NOT SETTLING FOR NOTHING.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
they got nothing on you
I was suppose to work 10:30 - 6:30 today, but my shift got cancelled. In fact, everyone's shifts got cancelled. The Eaton Centre is under a lockdown and no one is there. I thought it was quite funny, until i realized that this is serious. Protestors are actually breaking things and ruining everything, it's quite scary. There are many times where i think this is the end of my life... that anytime now, a bomb is just going to blow up and ruin everything. But nope.. i'm still here.
So, let's talk about prom.
It was AMAZING. It probably wasn't that great, but because i wasn't expecting ANYTHING what so ever, it turned out to be one of the best days of my life. In the morning, daniel and i went to school to get our final marks. It was frustrating running up and down the stairs chasing teachers for our marks. What angered me the most was Mr. Probst. For my summative, he wrote 11/15 and 82%. Clearly that's not the same, so i approached him about it and he said fine .. and changed it to 12.5/15 but he never wrote it in his "mark book". At the end of the day, Tina approached him about her mark and he changed both our marks. He entered it in his book but wrote only 12 for me. Tina said "Sir, you gave Rosanna 12.5" and he said "Well, i'll just give her a 12 for now and if she has a problem with it she can come talk to me about it." And so i did! But he said ".5 of a mark is not going to make a difference, blah, blah, blah." Whatever. The point is.. I'M ANGRY - even if it doesn't make a difference, i'll feel better if he'd just enter the mark he originally given me.
After all the marks, daniel and i went to eat lunch at Saigon Palace. Then we headed to Eaton Centre to get my make-up done. I was very happy with the final results as it was exactly what i wanted. :) Then we headed to Blo on King St to get my hair done (i have a gift card). A gay guy did my hair and he was very funny. I showed him pictures of how i wanted my hair but he said "No.. that's going to die down during the night, how about ..." In the end, he did whatever he wanted with my hair. It took about 10 minutes for him to do my hair and costed about $60. It was definitely not worth it, plus i didn't really like it. But whatever. The earthquake also occurred during my hair, but i didn't feel it. As i was paying, people were evacuating. I remember saying "Should i take the debit machine with me?" and the receptionist said "No, just finish it quickly."
Everything was quite boring before prom.. i remember thinking "arg, this is going to be one of those nights." By that, i meant.. me fake smiling for pictures, me not having fun, me afraid to dance, me afraid to talk to people, me afraid of what people will say about me, me afraid of people making fun of me, just one of those...
And it was! I was picked to be the leader of our table, which i was quite excited for but then those thoughts hit me again and i just wanted to sit down. I was definitely not having fun. When everyone started dancing, i went and sat back down. Many times i thought to myself "i REALLY want to dance, if i don't do it now.. i'll never be able to do it." And so i just got up and pulled daniel to the dance floor, after that i just didn't want to sit back down. We literally danced the night away (with the exception of washroom breaks and drinks). It was sooo hot, people were sweating and it was gross! But i had soo much fun!
The limo ride back was also one of my favourite moments. Singing out loud and not caring about anything was great. Daniel made a video which i keep replaying to remind myself of how happy i CAN be. After reaching Oliver's house, people left to go to the frat house. I didn't want to go as i didn't want to waste money nor did i think it would be any fun. So we just sat and talked to Oliver. Sooner or later they were all back. Everyone complained about wasting their money, etc. So i was glad that i didn't go.
The next day, we decided to chip in to buy food and hold a bbq. That was also fun! It reminded me of the old times, where i pictured us as one huge family. It was sooo fun! I would do it alll over again if i was given a second chance.
I'm going to miss you all.
So, let's talk about prom.
It was AMAZING. It probably wasn't that great, but because i wasn't expecting ANYTHING what so ever, it turned out to be one of the best days of my life. In the morning, daniel and i went to school to get our final marks. It was frustrating running up and down the stairs chasing teachers for our marks. What angered me the most was Mr. Probst. For my summative, he wrote 11/15 and 82%. Clearly that's not the same, so i approached him about it and he said fine .. and changed it to 12.5/15 but he never wrote it in his "mark book". At the end of the day, Tina approached him about her mark and he changed both our marks. He entered it in his book but wrote only 12 for me. Tina said "Sir, you gave Rosanna 12.5" and he said "Well, i'll just give her a 12 for now and if she has a problem with it she can come talk to me about it." And so i did! But he said ".5 of a mark is not going to make a difference, blah, blah, blah." Whatever. The point is.. I'M ANGRY - even if it doesn't make a difference, i'll feel better if he'd just enter the mark he originally given me.
After all the marks, daniel and i went to eat lunch at Saigon Palace. Then we headed to Eaton Centre to get my make-up done. I was very happy with the final results as it was exactly what i wanted. :) Then we headed to Blo on King St to get my hair done (i have a gift card). A gay guy did my hair and he was very funny. I showed him pictures of how i wanted my hair but he said "No.. that's going to die down during the night, how about ..." In the end, he did whatever he wanted with my hair. It took about 10 minutes for him to do my hair and costed about $60. It was definitely not worth it, plus i didn't really like it. But whatever. The earthquake also occurred during my hair, but i didn't feel it. As i was paying, people were evacuating. I remember saying "Should i take the debit machine with me?" and the receptionist said "No, just finish it quickly."
Everything was quite boring before prom.. i remember thinking "arg, this is going to be one of those nights." By that, i meant.. me fake smiling for pictures, me not having fun, me afraid to dance, me afraid to talk to people, me afraid of what people will say about me, me afraid of people making fun of me, just one of those...
And it was! I was picked to be the leader of our table, which i was quite excited for but then those thoughts hit me again and i just wanted to sit down. I was definitely not having fun. When everyone started dancing, i went and sat back down. Many times i thought to myself "i REALLY want to dance, if i don't do it now.. i'll never be able to do it." And so i just got up and pulled daniel to the dance floor, after that i just didn't want to sit back down. We literally danced the night away (with the exception of washroom breaks and drinks). It was sooo hot, people were sweating and it was gross! But i had soo much fun!
The limo ride back was also one of my favourite moments. Singing out loud and not caring about anything was great. Daniel made a video which i keep replaying to remind myself of how happy i CAN be. After reaching Oliver's house, people left to go to the frat house. I didn't want to go as i didn't want to waste money nor did i think it would be any fun. So we just sat and talked to Oliver. Sooner or later they were all back. Everyone complained about wasting their money, etc. So i was glad that i didn't go.
The next day, we decided to chip in to buy food and hold a bbq. That was also fun! It reminded me of the old times, where i pictured us as one huge family. It was sooo fun! I would do it alll over again if i was given a second chance.
I'm going to miss you all.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
is it really worth it?
So, someone anonymously commented on my last post, telling me he doesn't deserve me and that i should grow up.
I agree. I really don't deserve someone like him. I really don't. He has done nothing wrong to me, it's just me and my high expectations. Always pushing for something else once my wants have been met. I've mentioned many times how much i don't want to be in this relationship, not only to this "blog" but to him as well. The reason why i don't want to be the one who walks out is because i don't want to think back in a couple years and regret letting go of something so good. Nor do i want to stay and be unhappy with what i'm in at the moment. I want things to change, i want to change, but at the same time i don't want to take risks - so what? What do i do? I've been contemplating over this too many times that sometimes i just want to do it. But there's always this voice that says "Don't". So who do i listen to? What do i look at? The present or the future? I don't want to fuck up, i really hope you understand. If this is going to end, i want to end off with a good note. I want the both of us to agree that we're unhappy and to let go. I don't want neither one of us to be like "it's over".
The problem is, he doesn't think there is a problem, he thinks this is perfectly fine and that everything is okay. But is it really? I don't know if he's happy or not but i do know that i'm not. I admit, there are moments when i'm happy. But on top of that there are many more moments where i'm frustrated and crying. And so i ask myself, are those "once in a while" happy moments really worth all the unhappiness i have to go through? Are all these excuses i keep telling myself really going to happen? Like "don't worry, things will change" or "don't worry, he knows now". Time after time, i've been disappointed. But maybe next time it'll be different..
It's easy for you to say "grow up and just leave, your life is not over". Easy to say, but the hardest thing to do. I've fell in love with this person, deeply in love. There are too many good times, too many memories and just too much for me to just throw away. It's not easy. Not easy at all to look at someone who you've become so close to, who you've become family with and just say bye. I'm not leaving just one person, i'm leaving everything, everything we've created, everything we've done together, everyone that's a part of him, his mom, his dad, his sisters, his aunt, his cousin, and let me tell you, i love them just as much. And so, i ask myself, again - is it really worth it? Is it really worth leaving all these people i love just so me, myself and I can be happy? Will i even be happy? Is this really the solution to all my problems? Is it really worth it?
P.S - The breakup on facebook was a joke, although we're going through all of this, we're still trying to hold it up. I only turn to the blog to rant when i can't seem to find anyone else to talk to. By the way, Karate Kid is an AMAZING movie and i recommend everyone to watch it! :)
I agree. I really don't deserve someone like him. I really don't. He has done nothing wrong to me, it's just me and my high expectations. Always pushing for something else once my wants have been met. I've mentioned many times how much i don't want to be in this relationship, not only to this "blog" but to him as well. The reason why i don't want to be the one who walks out is because i don't want to think back in a couple years and regret letting go of something so good. Nor do i want to stay and be unhappy with what i'm in at the moment. I want things to change, i want to change, but at the same time i don't want to take risks - so what? What do i do? I've been contemplating over this too many times that sometimes i just want to do it. But there's always this voice that says "Don't". So who do i listen to? What do i look at? The present or the future? I don't want to fuck up, i really hope you understand. If this is going to end, i want to end off with a good note. I want the both of us to agree that we're unhappy and to let go. I don't want neither one of us to be like "it's over".
The problem is, he doesn't think there is a problem, he thinks this is perfectly fine and that everything is okay. But is it really? I don't know if he's happy or not but i do know that i'm not. I admit, there are moments when i'm happy. But on top of that there are many more moments where i'm frustrated and crying. And so i ask myself, are those "once in a while" happy moments really worth all the unhappiness i have to go through? Are all these excuses i keep telling myself really going to happen? Like "don't worry, things will change" or "don't worry, he knows now". Time after time, i've been disappointed. But maybe next time it'll be different..
It's easy for you to say "grow up and just leave, your life is not over". Easy to say, but the hardest thing to do. I've fell in love with this person, deeply in love. There are too many good times, too many memories and just too much for me to just throw away. It's not easy. Not easy at all to look at someone who you've become so close to, who you've become family with and just say bye. I'm not leaving just one person, i'm leaving everything, everything we've created, everything we've done together, everyone that's a part of him, his mom, his dad, his sisters, his aunt, his cousin, and let me tell you, i love them just as much. And so, i ask myself, again - is it really worth it? Is it really worth leaving all these people i love just so me, myself and I can be happy? Will i even be happy? Is this really the solution to all my problems? Is it really worth it?
P.S - The breakup on facebook was a joke, although we're going through all of this, we're still trying to hold it up. I only turn to the blog to rant when i can't seem to find anyone else to talk to. By the way, Karate Kid is an AMAZING movie and i recommend everyone to watch it! :)
Friday, June 18, 2010
what's the point in having it all?
what's the point in having it all without the one you love?
I hate you, at times i can really hate you. Almost to a point where i can just get up and say "it's over". But i know, i'll regret it. Being in this relationship makes me unhappy.. knowing that someone loves me but yet i'm still unsatisfied. Why? Why am i unhappy? Why am i unhappy even though i have it all? Why am i unhappy? WHY! WHY! WHY! I'm so frustrated.
You just don't get it, you really don't. I love you because you're that nice, caring guy. But at the same time i hate you because of that. I really don't know what i want..
Why can't Mr. Right show up already?
I hate you, at times i can really hate you. Almost to a point where i can just get up and say "it's over". But i know, i'll regret it. Being in this relationship makes me unhappy.. knowing that someone loves me but yet i'm still unsatisfied. Why? Why am i unhappy? Why am i unhappy even though i have it all? Why am i unhappy? WHY! WHY! WHY! I'm so frustrated.
You just don't get it, you really don't. I love you because you're that nice, caring guy. But at the same time i hate you because of that. I really don't know what i want..
Why can't Mr. Right show up already?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
don't let the bed bugs bite
Yeah right? IT IS DISGUSTING! and it itches like a bitch! Gosh, i'm so embarrassed, even customers at TNA are asking what's wrong.. I feel so dirty. Anyways thought i'd show the world.
Prom is coming up! I'm so excited! (not) but i am excited for my last exam tomorrow! WOOT WOOT!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
it doesn't mean anything
i'll miss you.
miss those who made me
miss those who ruined me
miss those who didn't really matter
miss those who mattered
miss those who caused me to cry
miss those who made me laugh till i cried
miss them, the ones i suppose i can call friends
i'm officially missing you
but it really doesn't mean anything
miss those who made me
miss those who ruined me
miss those who didn't really matter
miss those who mattered
miss those who caused me to cry
miss those who made me laugh till i cried
miss them, the ones i suppose i can call friends
i'm officially missing you
but it really doesn't mean anything
Friday, June 11, 2010
the end, seriously
it's really the end.
two more exams and i'm officially done.
anyways, ryerson has given back my offer for business management and i've accepted! i'm actually sooo happy and relieved! i think this was a good choice, screw you people who are going to doubt me; watch me become rich and famous. it's funny because when skimming through the autographs of my yearbook i caught a couple people saying "don't forget me when you're rich and famous", maybe i will be.. one day.
btw, I GOT A SAC MERIT AWARD! woot woot! and so did daniel! i'm so proud of him! :) anyways that's all the positive stuff going on in my life.
my life is slowly catching up with me, slowly coming along.. i'm quite proud of myself, proud that i did it.
the end
two more exams and i'm officially done.
anyways, ryerson has given back my offer for business management and i've accepted! i'm actually sooo happy and relieved! i think this was a good choice, screw you people who are going to doubt me; watch me become rich and famous. it's funny because when skimming through the autographs of my yearbook i caught a couple people saying "don't forget me when you're rich and famous", maybe i will be.. one day.
btw, I GOT A SAC MERIT AWARD! woot woot! and so did daniel! i'm so proud of him! :) anyways that's all the positive stuff going on in my life.
my life is slowly catching up with me, slowly coming along.. i'm quite proud of myself, proud that i did it.
the end
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
hate is a very strong word
I hate you
I hate you for never learning from your mistakes
I hate you for being so immature
I hate you for being such an idiot
I hate you for always forgetting everything
I hate you because you don't remember your streets
I hate you because you're lame
I hate you because you know i love you
I hate you because you don't care
I hate you for not noticing these little things
i hate you because you don't know how to be sweet
I hate you because you lie, over and over again
I hate you because i know you don't try
I hate you because you're annoying
I hate you because you're stupid
I hate you because you never treat me like a girlfriend
I hate you because no matter how hard i try, you just never get it
I hate you because even if i give in and try to be a nice girlfriend you just don't see it
I hate you because you're not as perfect as i want you to be
I hate you for being so important to me
I hate you for never understanding what i want
I hate you because our kisses are never the best
I hate you because i don't feel that warmth from your hugs anymore
I hate you because you make me cry more than i smile
I hate you for changing me
I hate you for telling me you love me
I hate you for always trying to hold in your emotions
I hate you for never telling me anything
I hate you because your plans never run through
I hate you because you can't surprise me
I hate you because you're not my boyfriend
I hate you because you're not the perfect one
I hate you because you don't remember anything between us
I hate you
I hate you for never learning from your mistakes
I hate you for being so immature
I hate you for being such an idiot
I hate you for always forgetting everything
I hate you because you don't remember your streets
I hate you because you're lame
I hate you because you know i love you
I hate you because you don't care
I hate you for not noticing these little things
i hate you because you don't know how to be sweet
I hate you because you lie, over and over again
I hate you because i know you don't try
I hate you because you're annoying
I hate you because you're stupid
I hate you because you never treat me like a girlfriend
I hate you because no matter how hard i try, you just never get it
I hate you because even if i give in and try to be a nice girlfriend you just don't see it
I hate you because you're not as perfect as i want you to be
I hate you for being so important to me
I hate you for never understanding what i want
I hate you because our kisses are never the best
I hate you because i don't feel that warmth from your hugs anymore
I hate you because you make me cry more than i smile
I hate you for changing me
I hate you for telling me you love me
I hate you for always trying to hold in your emotions
I hate you for never telling me anything
I hate you because your plans never run through
I hate you because you can't surprise me
I hate you because you're not my boyfriend
I hate you because you're not the perfect one
I hate you because you don't remember anything between us
I hate you
do you remember?
I know, it's stupid to pull a bitch fit over something so small.
But i literally brought it up just for fun.. and you honestly did not remember. You don't even remember what you had promised me last night. How are you going to remember the vows you're going to promise in the future? Or is that all not going to mean anything as well? And don't say that's different. I told you, i hate making promises because promises are meant to be broken, but this one hasn't been broken yet and you've already forgot what it was. You know what? It doesn't even matter because sooner or later it's going to be broken. And you WILL leave me.
That's all i gotta say. Promise broken. Done.
But i literally brought it up just for fun.. and you honestly did not remember. You don't even remember what you had promised me last night. How are you going to remember the vows you're going to promise in the future? Or is that all not going to mean anything as well? And don't say that's different. I told you, i hate making promises because promises are meant to be broken, but this one hasn't been broken yet and you've already forgot what it was. You know what? It doesn't even matter because sooner or later it's going to be broken. And you WILL leave me.
That's all i gotta say. Promise broken. Done.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
always 1 minute too late
Always. Always. She does this to me EVERYTIME.
"No you can't"
"Okay, fine.."
But i can't fix it, i can't fix the no you said in the first place. You always change your mind 1 minute too late, sometimes i hate myself for listening to you, always fucking up my life because you can't seem to make up your mind. I really hate myself, hate myself for letting you get to me, hate myself for always letting you control my life. I hate it. HATE HATE HATE. I really hate everything right now. I just want to be calm and care-free, why am i so stressed?
Always.
"No you can't"
"Okay, fine.."
But i can't fix it, i can't fix the no you said in the first place. You always change your mind 1 minute too late, sometimes i hate myself for listening to you, always fucking up my life because you can't seem to make up your mind. I really hate myself, hate myself for letting you get to me, hate myself for always letting you control my life. I hate it. HATE HATE HATE. I really hate everything right now. I just want to be calm and care-free, why am i so stressed?
Always.
Friday, June 4, 2010
you ask me if i'm ready
I'm tired, so so so tired. I won't even lie.
Although summatives are all done, i feel as if my life is not settled. WHERE THE FUCK AM I GOING NEXT YEAR? I'm so tired, tired of trying to figure everything out, tired of having to call 50 billion numbers, tired of checking ouac and seeing the same fucking shit! I'M SO TIRED! Does anyone fucking get it? Tired of arguing with my mom, tired of trying to explain to her, tired of her changing her mind. I regret it all, i regret accepting ryerson's offer, i regret rejecting ryerson afterwards. Sometimes i think, if i just stuck to ryerson, i wouldn't be in this huge mess i created. Now? I'M STUCK. STUCK AND NO BODY FUCKING UNDERSTANDS THE PRESSURE I'M UNDER. "The worst thing that can happen is that you'll have no where to go next year." WORST? THAT'S THE WORST THING THAT CAN EVER HAPPEN. I worked so hard, i made sure my last year was the year i put all my effort into, the year i was going to be known as the girl that was into everything, the year that was going to change my life, now you're telling me i did all that for no fucking reason? I'm so tired of trying to make this work, i'm so tired of trying to please everyone, i'm so tired. Doesn't anyone get it? Where is my life going? What am i doing to my life? I have been skipping almost every class because i just can't sit there anymore, sit there and wonder where i'm going next year, sit there while everyone is excited to finish their year while i'm scared it's going to finish without me. I can't think anymore, people can talk shit about me, people can gossip, people can call me names, people can judge me but all that doesn't matter to me. Yes, it hurts. Hurts to hear people call me fat knowing that i'm self-concious, I know it's a joke but is it really necessary? It's like calling someone disabled, a handicap. Like really? But honestly whatever, it doesn't mater at all right now. I just want to have a future doesn't anyone get it? I just want to leave all these horrible people that i've met in high school who have possibly ruined my life, my personality, my actions, my words, the old me. The one who used to be social, the one who use to plan all these get togethers, the one who used to be the happy girl who everyone wanted to hang out with, the one who people use to care about, what happened?
Now i'm scared, scared to tell someone something, scared to express myself, scared to be hurt again, scared to be left again, scared to lose something. Because of you, because of you i have now turned into this person, because of you i'm scared to ever have a best friend, because of you i'm scared to tell the truth, because of you i'm scared to walk confidently, because of you.
I'm so tired. So so tired, someone please take me somewhere else, i can't handle this place called earth. Can't simply handle people with such black hearts. Simply can't.
Although summatives are all done, i feel as if my life is not settled. WHERE THE FUCK AM I GOING NEXT YEAR? I'm so tired, tired of trying to figure everything out, tired of having to call 50 billion numbers, tired of checking ouac and seeing the same fucking shit! I'M SO TIRED! Does anyone fucking get it? Tired of arguing with my mom, tired of trying to explain to her, tired of her changing her mind. I regret it all, i regret accepting ryerson's offer, i regret rejecting ryerson afterwards. Sometimes i think, if i just stuck to ryerson, i wouldn't be in this huge mess i created. Now? I'M STUCK. STUCK AND NO BODY FUCKING UNDERSTANDS THE PRESSURE I'M UNDER. "The worst thing that can happen is that you'll have no where to go next year." WORST? THAT'S THE WORST THING THAT CAN EVER HAPPEN. I worked so hard, i made sure my last year was the year i put all my effort into, the year i was going to be known as the girl that was into everything, the year that was going to change my life, now you're telling me i did all that for no fucking reason? I'm so tired of trying to make this work, i'm so tired of trying to please everyone, i'm so tired. Doesn't anyone get it? Where is my life going? What am i doing to my life? I have been skipping almost every class because i just can't sit there anymore, sit there and wonder where i'm going next year, sit there while everyone is excited to finish their year while i'm scared it's going to finish without me. I can't think anymore, people can talk shit about me, people can gossip, people can call me names, people can judge me but all that doesn't matter to me. Yes, it hurts. Hurts to hear people call me fat knowing that i'm self-concious, I know it's a joke but is it really necessary? It's like calling someone disabled, a handicap. Like really? But honestly whatever, it doesn't mater at all right now. I just want to have a future doesn't anyone get it? I just want to leave all these horrible people that i've met in high school who have possibly ruined my life, my personality, my actions, my words, the old me. The one who used to be social, the one who use to plan all these get togethers, the one who used to be the happy girl who everyone wanted to hang out with, the one who people use to care about, what happened?
Now i'm scared, scared to tell someone something, scared to express myself, scared to be hurt again, scared to be left again, scared to lose something. Because of you, because of you i have now turned into this person, because of you i'm scared to ever have a best friend, because of you i'm scared to tell the truth, because of you i'm scared to walk confidently, because of you.
I'm so tired. So so tired, someone please take me somewhere else, i can't handle this place called earth. Can't simply handle people with such black hearts. Simply can't.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
