So, someone anonymously commented on my last post, telling me he doesn't deserve me and that i should grow up.
I agree. I really don't deserve someone like him. I really don't. He has done nothing wrong to me, it's just me and my high expectations. Always pushing for something else once my wants have been met. I've mentioned many times how much i don't want to be in this relationship, not only to this "blog" but to him as well. The reason why i don't want to be the one who walks out is because i don't want to think back in a couple years and regret letting go of something so good. Nor do i want to stay and be unhappy with what i'm in at the moment. I want things to change, i want to change, but at the same time i don't want to take risks - so what? What do i do? I've been contemplating over this too many times that sometimes i just want to do it. But there's always this voice that says "Don't". So who do i listen to? What do i look at? The present or the future? I don't want to fuck up, i really hope you understand. If this is going to end, i want to end off with a good note. I want the both of us to agree that we're unhappy and to let go. I don't want neither one of us to be like "it's over".
The problem is, he doesn't think there is a problem, he thinks this is perfectly fine and that everything is okay. But is it really? I don't know if he's happy or not but i do know that i'm not. I admit, there are moments when i'm happy. But on top of that there are many more moments where i'm frustrated and crying. And so i ask myself, are those "once in a while" happy moments really worth all the unhappiness i have to go through? Are all these excuses i keep telling myself really going to happen? Like "don't worry, things will change" or "don't worry, he knows now". Time after time, i've been disappointed. But maybe next time it'll be different..
It's easy for you to say "grow up and just leave, your life is not over". Easy to say, but the hardest thing to do. I've fell in love with this person, deeply in love. There are too many good times, too many memories and just too much for me to just throw away. It's not easy. Not easy at all to look at someone who you've become so close to, who you've become family with and just say bye. I'm not leaving just one person, i'm leaving everything, everything we've created, everything we've done together, everyone that's a part of him, his mom, his dad, his sisters, his aunt, his cousin, and let me tell you, i love them just as much. And so, i ask myself, again - is it really worth it? Is it really worth leaving all these people i love just so me, myself and I can be happy? Will i even be happy? Is this really the solution to all my problems? Is it really worth it?
P.S - The breakup on facebook was a joke, although we're going through all of this, we're still trying to hold it up. I only turn to the blog to rant when i can't seem to find anyone else to talk to. By the way, Karate Kid is an AMAZING movie and i recommend everyone to watch it! :)
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ReplyDeletesometimes you reach a point in your relationship where you wonder whether or not that person is the best fit for you. then you have people telling you that it's not him, it's you that's the problem. what you have to realize is that you can't depend on the people around you to shape what you think, who you are and how you feel. you need to take an interest and passion in the things that make you happy and depend on only yourself to make it happen. you should really only be in a relationship with someone because you want to share your happiness with them. you can expect them to know everything you're feeling and everything you want and for them to give it all to you. trust me, you will never be happy from this because it all has to come from yourself, the person who knows you best and waht's best for you. you might need to take time to yourself to find the things that are going to make you a better person. you can try to find inspiration in your boyfriend but never depend on it. just know that if he's stuck around, it's because he wants to make you happy. and because of that, you should want to make him happy too. you'll both appreciate each other a lot more when you learn what is the most necessary thing to occupy your time and effort on-- and it's definitely not arguing about little things.
ReplyDeleteand don't let the change and transition from high school to university give you the impression that you have to leave everything behind for the new and better things. you're still the same person, just in a different place. this doesn't mean you're an "adult" and you need to break up with everything. your friends are delusional.
you wrote that being in this relationship makes you unhappy. maybe you've lost your sense of independence, but being alone is not the same as being independent, just as being with someone is not the same as being dependent. it is so much more rewarding to be a strong, worthwhile individual who shares their life with another individual with the same goal.